Inspired by TFK’s “Honest.”
Yesterday would have been my father’s 69th birthday. Before he passed away, he had various issues with his heart, bones, and other complications.
He used to tell us he didn’t have much time left. Before he passed, we tried to ignore it. We knew he was absolutely right.
It was impossible to ignore. We had this scare back in 2012 when he lost his ability to walk. I mean, he could move short distances, but he was unable to do anything for himself.
We all took care of him during that year.
I remember going to bed, crying.
I was worried he would pass away that year. I couldn’t deal with that. The man who took care of me my whole life.
The one whom I knew I always had a home to come back to when things got rough with my mom.
We may have had our differences in my early years of being a teen, but around 17 and after is when we started getting closer. I looked past my rebellious past. It was just all smoke and mirrors until then.
Little did I know, he accepted me for who I am after all. At least before he passed.
I remember 2012 being one of the hardest year for all of us. It was stressful for each and every one of us. Even for dad. When I was the one of the first to take care of him, he felt embarrassed that his own son had to clean him, cloth him, feed him.
I didn’t think anything of it. It was one of those decisions you can’t reject. He took care of me. So why shouldn’t I do the same for him?
Fast forward to 2014-onward.
I moved away from home June-July 2014 to St. Louis. It was the hardest thing to do for me at the time, but I think it was the right choice. I didn’t want to leave my dad. I didn’t want to leave my sisters.
I just had this notion, if I didn’t go, I would be in this small town forever. I would never do anything with my life.
When I moved, I assumed everything was OK.
Little did I know, my family didn’t want me to find out his health was declining fast. They didn’t want me to worry.
I understand completely. I’m the type to flip out over the littlest things.
He went to a nursing home, because he couldn’t do things on his own. Then he shot right back up in no time and returned home. Then his health went back downhill again.
Nobody is to be blamed in this situation. Dad just had a lot of issues going on.
I would try to visit him from time after time, making sure he’s OK. Making sure everyone else was doing alright as well.
Then there was a period of a few months where I wasn’t able. He understood that I had other obligations. I just felt bad I wasn’t there for him.
After a few more visits later on in 2015, it became obvious his life on this Earth was short.
Late October, I got a phone call from my twin sister that Dad passed away.
I collapsed to the floor in a heaping mess.
I couldn’t believe it. He was really gone. My dad passed away.
The poem, “Ghost of You” is a reflection of life after death.
It’s been since October,
Since I’ve last heard from you
The cold wind blows,
I hear you calling my name.
The ghost of you following me
Everywhere I go.
I like to believe he’s watching over me. It may be paranoia, or it may be I’m crazy. Sometimes I feel like I’m either haunted by his ghost, or he’s simply watching over me.
The sun comes alive,
Giving me hope
That in the end,
Life isn’t so bad
I may fall.
I may have my moments,
When I feel like a loser.
…Deep down inside
I know that’s not true.
My life has a purpose,
This I know.
This purpose I’ve yet to find,
But it’s still a long way down
The road less traveled.
We all have our days. When we feel worthless. I certainly feel that way. Maybe due to me being pessimistic and realistic at the same time. I fear all I’m going to do is fail at life. It seems I never stick with anything. I don’t have the drive, or ambition to succeed.
Then I remember I’m still young. I just need to push myself harder. Find something that drives me. Everyone has a purpose. It just takes a little longer for some of us to find what that purpose is.
All I ask, is that you
walk with me
And stay by my side
Be my guardian angel,
Be my compass.
Guide me in the right direction,
because I don’t know
which way to go.
I may not be the most religious person out there, but hey, you need an “anchor” to help you stay still in life.
I like to think there’s someone watching over me. Whether it’s true or not, it’s nice believe that my dad is out there watching out for me.
I’ve been lost for so long,
It’s time I step out of the shadows,
It’s time I live my life.
We only have so long left to go,
Let’s cherish each and every moment,
And live our lives to the fullest.
Where do I go from here? What’s in store for me? I’ll never find out, if I keep on the sidelines. It’s time to take a few risks. Live, and enjoy my life.
Until next time, bloggers.