Hello all. This is Josh and I’m back with the third installment of “Meanings Behind Poetry.” In this segment, I will focus one year ahead of the last post. (For those not keeping track, that year would be 2012.) If I can recall correctly, 2012 wasn’t exactly one of my best years. In a way, it kind of helped make the person I am today. I’m not perfect. Nobody is. We all have our faults. And I had mine during that year.
You see, that year I delved and experimented with things I cannot mention on this blog. It was a mind-altering substance that gave you faux-confidence and made you think that everything was A-OK when in fact it was not. I started shortly after the death of my older sister, Kiley, shortly after March 2012.
I know it wasn’t the best remedy. At the time, my burning desire for the drug heightened at the peak of my depression. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know who else to talk to. I didn’t want to bother anybody. So I gave up and surrendered.
It started with a taste, then another, and so on and so forth… I eventually became addicted to the euphoric high. It felt better than having to deal with reality.
However, reality will hit you with a brick and I realized I couldn’t keep this up anymore.
I eventually kicked my habit cold turkey. I knew I had to soon. My family was starting to suspect, they were worried about me. I was losing weight fast, I couldn’t keep a job for more than two months at a time.
With the drug gone, I had to find other ways to bide my time. I returned to writing and began pouring my thoughts on pen and paper. It worked for a few months. And then one month it didn’t. My family will never know the real reason what happened during the month I fell hard, or will they ever believe the reason, but after months of blaming myself for my sister’s death…I just couldn’t take it anymore.
You can assume what happened next. It was a real eye-opener.
I realized I needed to stop blaming myself, How could I do that? The option that came to mind was to forget her — And that’s how “Remember Me” came to life a year after her death.
Let’s get a little deeper insight on the poem.
“Remember Me”
By: Joshua Phelps
Forgive me if I neglect you.
I am trying to clear my head.
I don’t despise you.
My reason is I can’t continue suffering. They’ve moved on. Why can’t I?
Back then it seemed as if my family members have accepted her passing and moved on with life and I was stuck in the shadows. Turns out I was wrong. They were just better at hiding their remedies/addictions.
It’s been over a year. Imprinted in time, your ashes kept alive.
Your body placed to rest, your loved ones living a lie.
I kept busy, kept myself in denial
So that I could live in comfort and peace
I “lived a lie” by pretending to be someone who I’m not when I was addicted to a certain chemical that altered my emotions. I wasn’t being my true self. I was better than that. I shouldn’t have stooped so low, but I did.
Later on, when I started to pick up writing again, that kept me busy so I could believe everything was all right. You can only keep this up for so long until you break into a million little pieces.
Then reality struck me like a brick wall
And I fell down, weeping for my loss.
It took me a while to realize no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring her back and tell her I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being the brother I should have been. I’m sorry I ignored you when you needed help, I’m sorry I pushed away from you and everyone else.
I replaced grieving with regret.
Committed acts I never imagined, let set
Self-explanatory. The above post before this poem explains my substance abuse.
Months progressed, I have repaired,
Repressed the memory to forget-
Only to have it come back around with a stronger hit.
Many times I’ve tried to “forget” her. The memories just kept on coming back. I just had to continue forgetting her and get better at controlling my emotions.
I want you to know I have always cared about you.
I… I wish I could have been a better person,
But I pulled away, and you left the world without a warning.
As I stated above, I felt guilty. I thought I played a part in her death. I knew in my heart it was due to refusal to get medical help. She simply couldn’t afford to get help. I wished someone would have forced her to go to the hospital. She’d still be alive today.
To this present day,
More than a year since I laid my eyes on
The body resting in calm repose,
My heart continues to ache immensely.
She may be gone from this world, but she is still in my heart. Even if I were to forget her death, she’d still be in my heart. Waiting when I ever need her help.
I assure myself I must go on. I need to let go.
Just promise me you’ll remember me.
Even though I had to let go, somewhere up there, I hoped she remembered me. It’s nice to have someone watching over when you need it most.
Your passing has me living under a dark cloud;
Please forgive me if I forget you right now.
I had to let go or my world around me would come crashing down. I prayed to God and hoped somewhere up there she would hear me say this and understand this was only temporary. It was just at that moment, I was fragile. I had to rise up from the ashes and conquer life.
And I did.
Until next time, bloggers.
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