Let’s rewind to the year of 2011. The year of my experimentation with substance, the year I stayed clear of said substance, the months I further shut myself out the outside world and began to focus more on writing more than ever. This also was the year I met my ex.
Now I’m not saying that person I dated was bad, or awful. They were just fine. My guess is they never put much effort into a relationship before and had a hard time with the most important part of one: communication. Sometimes we’d talk for an hour, then it’d be days (maybe even a week) before I’d hear back from them.
What did I do? What I thought was logical at the time: I ended it on what I assumed was “mutual terms.” Turns out they really didn’t want to be friends after that. Maybe due in part of me writing “Symbiosis.”
I never meant the poem to be written in spite. It was just a grown-up way of saying “I’m breaking up with you, but I still respect you.”
Below is my poem “Symbiosis.” It was written December 9th, 2011. Instead of quoting the entire poem, I will quote bits of it and then write an explanation of what each stanza or line means.
You’re another written thought on these lines,
I don’t care if anyone reads what it contains,
I know you’re not worth it when you’re not willing to see the other reason.
Different sides to the story,
I’ve grown tired of listening to you.
It’s been weeks since we last chatted. I’m livid. Their reason was due in part of them not being able to effectively communicate. I try to reason, but they don’t want to hear it. So I get ignored, and they get ignored as well.
Shouting isn’t gonna get your point across.
You’re into the latest argument,
You won’t reason with what makes sense,
So I called your senselessness and walked out on you.
With each further attempt to reason and fix the invisible barrier now growing between us, it seems that they were just deliberately wanting out of the relationship. I was beginning to think that they just didn’t care anymore. Many would think I’d be in tears…I wasn’t. I was well and ready to move on. I grew tired of dating. So I vouched I’d “walk out” and leave that person and never date again until I was absolutely ready.
It took more than two years before I found someone.
It takes two to make an effort in this relationship.
When we know we’ve reached a dead-end,
Why attempt to turn back & fix things again?
There goes the saying “You can’t beat a dead horse.” You can’t bring issues up when you already know what’s going to happen. It’ll be a repetitious cycle of pain and misery. I’d rather end it and not be hurt again. And that’s exactly what I did.
There’s some things we can’t deny,
When conversations turn monotonous & dry,
We’re practically screaming contradistinction, but we’re still young and there are many opportunities farther down the line.
We were two completely different humans. The individual from several years back spoke many languages, had a high IQ, was outgoing (with friends of course), had their goals set — Whereas I, a small town country guy, was just starting out. I didn’t speak many languages, the only things I possessed a sliver of knowledge in was technology and some areas of writing. I didn’t have many friends. I wasn’t outgoing.
When you mix a bookworm with a guy who knows the basics, you’re going to have nothing in common. Conversations “turn monotonous and dry.”
You conceive the future around all your regrets, your emotions like a riddle.
A conundrum of black & blue.
Trying to figure that person out was like trying to solve a Rubix cube halfway stuck in cement. I could never tell what they truly wanted. Was I just another game to them? Another toy?
Grieving won’t get you far. Face the fact: I haven’t lost my respect for you.
I’m just moving on.
This was it. The finale. I figured we could still be friends, but I had to move on with my life. I had to focus on making myself a better person and learning from that disaster of a relationship.
I’m not sure what lies ahead in the future. I’m not sure if the person I’m with will last forever. We all have our faults. I sure as hell have mine. With a little bit of persistence, guidance, and perseverance…Whatever happens, happens.
Until next time, bloggers.